He's NUMBER ONE! He's NUMBER ONE!

Happy Tuesday Followers (AKA my Mom)-


First off-I apologize for my lack of blogging since Thanksgiving. To be honest, there have been so many good things to blog about these past five days that I've been overwhelmed with options. To give you a sense of this dilemma, here are just a few stories I considered blogging about...

I considered blogging about how Ndamukong Suh is, quite possibly, the biggest douche bag in sports history. There is not an OUNCE of class in his bones. He releases this half-ass apology and then receives, what I think to be, a very easy punishment. Then he complains about his two-game suspension and decides to APPEAL the ban. The nerve. No wonder he came from Nebraska.

HEY NEBRASKA! REMEMBER THIS???

I considered blogging about the firing of-let's face it-a bazillion coaches within the last couple of days. My favorite headline: "Zook gets the Hook!"

I considered blogging about the fact that BASKETBALL is BACK, but I didn't want to hold my breath, ya know? I'm dreaming of a Bulls Christmas! 

I considered blogging about this little rumor that's spreading around town. Apparently, Mike Martz is considering leaving the Bears for the head coach position at Arizona State. Hmm....Most people might be a little discouraged by this information, but me?

Well, this is how I feel about it....

I considered blogging about Patrick Sharp's AMAZING HAT TRICK, or as I like to call it, a PAT TRICK, in Friday's game.

I considered blogging about Urban Meyer becoming the new head coach of Ohio State. What a douche. It's one thing if I don't like Urban Meyer, it's another if Richard Blais from Top Chef hates him: "Can't wait to belt out my chant next time Gators get to see Meyer... "Urban Liar" clap clap clap clap clap..." (brought to you by Richard's twitter account).

I considered blogging about the hilarity that was Jason Witten running into a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader as he was pushed out of bounds in Thursday's game. Ha. the. best.
In case you missed it.....

I considered ALL of my options. I could've made jokes and posted videos. I even could've photoshopped a picture of Ron Zook, but that just takes too much time.

What I finally decided to blog about today is journalistic "gold"en showers....

Please watch....

Nick Novak. My kicker for my fantasy football team: The Dirty Mark Sanchez's, is caught peeing on the sideline. The questions I have are: Did he pee in a gatorade cup? And did he give said cup to Tim Tebow after the Chargers lost? We may never know, but I can always hope.

I've Got Plenty to be Thankful For

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! I am thankful for many things this year, but instead of focusing on what I'm thankful for, I would like to focus on the things I'm thankful I'm NOT...this is way more fun. Trust me.

The TOP TEN things I am Thankful I am NOT


10. I am thankful I am NOT a Canucks fan. I would rather eat glass.

9. I am thankful I am NOT stupid enough to trade Steve Smith from my fantasy team. 8-3 BABY!

8. I am thankful I am NOT the creator of the this....

because if I knew it would turn into this... I would have smashed it to pieces a long time ago.

7. I am thankful I am NOT in any way, remotely excited about this....

NBA stars coming to Chicago during 4-game tour

Thank the lord D Rose is not participating in such shenanigans. Go BULLS!

6. I am thankful that I am NOT a resident of Minnesota or Wisconsin. If I were I would be PISSED about this....

Northwestern bass fishers win regional championship | North by Northwestern

I mean I would expect students from Minnesota or Wisconsin, hell, practically ANY other state or university to win this competition, but NORTHWESTERN? Whoa. Sucks to be everyone else.

5. I am thankful that I am NOT any of the teams that have played Duke lately. Can we say OVERRATED?

4. I am thankful that I am NOT Ron Zook. I don't think this needs much explanation, right Joe?

3. I am thankful that I am NOT a Jets fan because they all end up like this...

Sorry Jets fans-not everyone can win football games.

2. I am thankful that I am NOT Stefan Demos. I think I'm thankful for that every single day of my life. Let's take a look back at the old Shankapotamus, shall we?

1. I am thankful that I am NOT a resident of the state of Pennsylvania. Too soon? Never.

Well that completes my Thanksgiving list. I hope you all have the best Thanksgiving!

Champagne Kisses and Caviar Dreams....not so much for this idiot.

I recently read an article in the Chicago Tribune about a man named Wayne who was caught burglarizing a townhouse in Grant Park. I would like to share it with you…

Here are my top seven reasons why this article is the BEST:

7. The scene of the crime is described having, “…beer bottles scattered about, an empty pizza box and a strong odor of fish…” Ew.

6. The townhouse owner’s Mom believes that her son would never leave his house is such disarray. Lady, you’re CRAZY! Have you ever witnessed a guy throwing out his empty pizza box or recycling his beer bottles right after he finishes them? Anyone? There is AT LEAST a two day grace period before anything gets put in their proper container. Sorry Mom.

5. While police were investigating the scene…I REPEAT…while police were investigating the scene this moron was spotted peeking into a window of the townhouse. Really?

4. Wayne left behind a hospital bracelet with his name on it and then GAVE the name that matched the one on the bracelet. Again, REALLY? I don’t plan on burglarizing anyone’s townhouse anytime soon, but if I did I would at least know NOT to give my real name.

3. This is one of my favorites. When he was caught he was wearing a fur, jeans, and a sweatshirt that belonged to the owner. Here is the more important question: Why does the owner have a fur?

2. Police say that, besides drinking beer and eating pizza, Wayne, “…used the owner’s computer and left lobster thawing in the fridge.” I mean at least he knew to thaw it, right?

Before I reveal the number one reason why this article is the best, you may be thinking to yourself, “But Dana, I thought you started this blog to write about sports. How is this sports related?” Well my loyal followers it all ties together….







1. The number one reason this article is the best is…he stole from the GM of the White Sox, Kenny Williams. HA!

GO CUBS!!!


Here's the full article:
Cops: Man breaks into Sox GM's home, drinks beer, defrosts lobster, takes World Series ring

One Thumb up for Jay Cutler

Cutler expected to miss 6-8 weeks with broken thumb


Jay Cutler has now joined the "Unmanliest Sports Injury" Club. Does this really surprise you? Come on Jay! If you're gonna be out for 6-8 weeks I want a sprained ankle or dislocated shoulder. Hell, I'll even let you jump on the "groin" injury bandwagon. I'm talking to you Roy Williams. I wanna see you grimace in pain as you limp to the sideline. You're already soooo good at that.

A stupid thumb injury is lame. Anyone who's anyone will tell you to, "Buck up and play the damn game!" I'm sorry Jay- but I am not convinced you need surgery. I'm not even convinced you actually broke it. You do tend to over exaggerate, no?

Solution: just slap on one of those really effective gloves that Stafford wore last week. Too soon Matt Stafford?

Bottom line: "Breaking fingers" are for babies. Break a real bone, then I'll feel bad for you as you sit on the sidelines and pout. (Even though you do that really well with ten perfectly healthy fingers.)

I will give you this: at least you broke your finger playing a sport NOT tripping over a gym bag!

I'm talking to YOU CARLOS BOOZER!!